


Yearning

by Noteventhat (Facialteeth)



Series: Halloween Fics [8]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Day 12: "Get those things away from me.", Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Tentacles, Tentacletober, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-12
Updated: 2019-10-12
Packaged: 2020-12-13 23:54:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21006251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Facialteeth/pseuds/Noteventhat
Summary: Magnus hadn't even noticed they'd come out when Camille spoke but when she did, his blood ran cold.





	Yearning

Magnus hadn’t even noticed he’d brought them out. If he had, he would have known enough to get control of himself and put them away. The few times his tentacles had come out around Camille, whether on purpose or not, had not been pleasant. 

She didn’t like them, to put it lightly. They disgusted her much like his eyes did and she wasn’t afraid to show it. The first time he’d ever shown them to her, she’d practically spit at him to put them away. She wasn’t dating a freak, she’d told him. Even in the privacy of their home, she wasn’t interested in seeing them. 

As long as he kept them away and kept his glamour up, everything was fine. She was more than happy to overlook them as long as she couldn’t see them. Any time she’d ever seen either of his marks after that, it had been on accident. 

Like this time. The previous time, he’d been so drained of magic that he couldn’t keep the glamour up anymore. His eyes had popped up and the tentacles had slithered out of his back, scared and weak. He hadn’t been able to get up but she hadn’t wanted to touch him. He’d figured it out himself in the end, after he laid on the ground long enough to manage to pull himself to his feet. 

He wasn’t drained of magic this time. He wasn’t hurt. He’d just been so _ tired _. They’d both been up for nearly forty-eight hours. They were finally home, sprawled on the couch tangled together, too tired to try and get up and move to the bed. He remembered feeling so content. Every muscle in his body relaxed. He knew his glamour was down but it was okay because his eyes were closed and Camille’s were as well. She couldn’t see them, so they wouldn’t bother her. 

He’d been so tired that he’d felt boneless. He wasn’t Magnus Bane anymore, he was a mess of flesh melting into the couch, into Camille. 

Really, he’d been so tired that he’d forgotten for a moment. Before Camille, his tentacles had been an absent thought. They stayed in unless he wanted them out but after her, it was a very conscious thought, always. He couldn’t forget for a moment and risk them coming out. He couldn’t get too excited and lose himself. 

He was just so tired that it slipped his mind and as he’d been falling asleep, something else had slipped out as well. They wanted attention. They wanted to cuddle too. They wanted to tangle in the blankets around them both and leech in the warmth. Magnus had been too preoccupied to remember that couldn’t happen and drag them back in. 

He’d practically been asleep when she said it but the second she spoke, Magnus was awake. He felt a wave of ice come over him as every muscle in his body tensed. 

“Get those things away from me.” 

She didn’t yell. She didn’t scream at him. Somehow, that made it worse. She spoke coldly and void of any affection, of anything at all really that wasn’t utter contempt. Magnus had to blink a few times to realize what he was feeling. His tentacles were everywhere. They fluttered with Magnus’ panic, jolting back into him a few inches but not completely retreating. 

They wanted to stay out so bad. They were Magnus of course, so more specifically, Magnus wanted them to stay out so bad. He was so comfortable. It had been so long since he’d brought them out. He couldn’t even remember the last time he had, not more than a few moments when he knew he was completely alone. Maybe it had been a couple of decades ago when he’d gotten so drunk with Ragnor that he hadn’t been able to keep them in. He remembered Ragnor walking him home that night, tangled in Magnus’ fleshy appendages. 

Magnus threw himself up. His tentacles squirmed as they were pulled from the soft embrace of the blankets. They hung in the air around him for a few seconds, on alert, waiting, before Magnus ground his teeth and they slowly went back in. 

Magnus said he’d make sure they stayed in. He said he was sorry. 

Camille stood up and went into the bedroom anyway. Magnus stayed on the couch. Alone, he’d wanted to let them come back out and wrap around him like he had when he was a child. He wanted to hug himself with them but he didn’t. He didn’t want to fall asleep with them out and have Camille see in the morning. He didn’t think he was going to sleep tonight anyway but he still didn’t take them out. He wasn’t quite sure why. 

He’d been even more careful after that. He didn’t let himself relax. He tried to train himself not to let them come out, even when he was tired, even when he really wanted them to. 

It had taken a really long time for him to train himself not to do that, decades later. It wasn’t an unconscious choice for them to come out anymore. They didn’t slip out when he was comfortable. They didn’t come out to try and find something warm and cozy. 

They stayed locked in and sometimes, Magnus had to grit his teeth and remind himself that it was okay to let them come out. It was an effort now. Even alone, he had a hard time letting them come out without feeling that anxiousness bubbling in his chest. Even though Camille was nowhere around, even though he hadn’t lived with her in so long, he was still scared. 

Alec had been more than happy to work with him on that. 


End file.
